Ah, December in Kampala; chaos, calories, and capitalism. But we love it. Always. December is finally here, the month when Kampala turns into a music video, the economy destabilises, and our beloved ba’summer descend upon us like a glittery locust swarm. Welcome back, diaspora delegates. We can already see you in the clubs, glowing suspiciously, faces too fresh, too moisturised, too un-Kampala-dust to be locals. Even the bouncers know.
And as Sheilah Gashumba preached, we are indeed the top party destination in Africa every December. There is a party every single day sometimes three overlapping on the same plot. In this country, the company you keep determines your experience. Hang with the right crowd and Uganda is a tropical utopia. Hang with the wrong one, and you are budgeting for chapatti and vibes. People have money. You are broke alone. As for the sources of that money, please leave that curiosity to the investigative journalists. We are here to enjoy. Recently, I was blessed to cruise in one of those brand new Land Cruisers. The ones that look like they come with their own zip code. My friend, that car does not feel roads. Potholes are merely rumours whispered by peasants.
Suddenly, it made sense why certain politicians do not prioritise fixing anything. I mean, when your car floats in air, what is a pothole to you? Just decorative landscaping. I even joined a convoy once. We reached Jinja from Kampala in record speed, which any normal citizen knows is spiritually impossible without divine intervention or a siren. My friend, I saw things. All I can say is: choose your December crowd wisely.
But even with the December spirit in the air, one thing remains unforgivable. The brunch ticket prices. Ever since Sia sang “I love cheap thrills,” Ugandan promoters took it as an insult and retaliated with pricing from a parallel universe. How is a brunch asking for the same money required to buy a small plot in Mpigi?
To make things worse, every week there is an Amapiano show. At this point, Uganda Airlines should charter a single flight, collect all the Piano artistes from South Africa, and host one mega concert. After all, they all perform the same song with different outfits. Why must we pay 10 times for the same beat?
Speaking of brunches, the crown jewel this season was the La Pork Brunch Festival was a truly patriotic event. The ticket categories alone were a comedy special: Shs100,000 for unlimited pork and beer, Shs100,000 for vegetarians who get… a whole chicken (make it make sense), Shs400,000 for a squad with a pig’s lifetime supply of alcohol, and Shs1m for a whole pig and enough waragi to reset your ancestors.
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