Folks, it is Christmas season! You know, that time of year that sees diaspora Ugandans fill up miles upon miles of street corner bars with their strange accents and sweat adulterated designer perfumes. Bandali Rise regulars are about to find their usual “reserved” tables reserved with the most expensive whiskys. They will throw tantrums and promise hell to the owners whose establishments they have patronised for the past 11 months of the year.
The bar owners will throw around empty excuses and “I wasn’t aware” shoulder shrugs but they know deep down that the big spenders are in town and capitalism has to do capitalism things. So, regulars, take the backseat for now, the ba’summer are in town and they are loaded with the white and green notes emblazoned with bald, white fathers of the American Revolution.
It is the time when these ba’summer suddenly remember that they have been “actively farming” (read: used some of their kyeeyo earnings to buy a few long-horned cattle that they keep in their fathers’ kraals in Kashari). Our social media timelines will be filled with smug selfies of them in designer Wellington boots that have never touched cow dung. It is for the gram. Nothing serious. If you have been dating one of those long-legged, shisha smoking, hot baddies with thick yellow thighs only upstaged by their expensive taste, your friends might be best advised to have you on suicide watch. You might not see her this month. No, do not worry, she has not been kidnapped. The mu’summer who has been resident in her Snapchat inbox is in town and dollars have to be chopped.
When you find her on Bandali, exiting a posh G-Class, arms wrapped around a tall, muscular fella with an American accent and a silver grill, do not even be tempted to pretend to know her. Get a corner seat and watch her dance to EDM like a constipated goat undergoing exorcism. Do not put up a fight. Just respect the hustle and await your turn.
Like my friend Baldwin usually says, she is never yours, it is just your turn. Keep it moving. These fellas will soon be back to punishing winters and sweaty days and nights behind industrial machines and in corporate cubicles that can barely fit an Ankole cow’s backside. Do not sweat them. Just wait them out.
As you wait, kindly resist the temptation to stroll into these poorly decorated, sweat and heat filled Ugandan “malls” in the name of buying Christmas gifts nobody has asked for and in all honesty, nobody needs. Use this period to read a book, volunteer with a local refugee organisation, hang out with your old folks, go for a hike or even catch up on sleep.
Happy holidays!!
Don’t want to miss out on any story? For updates on all Sqoop stories, follow this link on Telegram: https://t.me/Sqoop and Whatsapp: https://whatsapp.com/channel
