Fair warning; these are matters close to the heart. A dear friend of mine is going through the wringers. He tells us he is suffering a heartbreak that, on numerous occasions, has made the thought of death seem comforting. He’s a grown man with children, a good job and great bunch of connections.  But for two months now, he has barely left his couch, he’s back to smoking after quitting for four years and he seems to have developed an affinity with the bottom of empty whiskey bottles.

I am worried about his liver; he’s worried about this lady he says he loved but thought their relationship had run its course. She just dumped him first; out of the blue, he says.  When you listen to him speak about the break up and its effects on him, you might find it curious that he spends a lot more time talking about the way they broke up and less about the things he misses about her and the relationship. The latter, I thought, would be the reason one suffers a heartbreak.

But not for my friend. “The way she broke up with me hurts so bad”, he says.

My friend is the “conscious uncoupling” kind. I don’t know how folks latch onto these exotic sounding things and make them “their thing” but I also know my friend is a ColdPlay fan and might know a thing or two about Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow.  Trying to help him find answers to that two month “why did she do me like that” question has sent me down a rabbit hole of sad reading. From reading “think” pieces like “how to leave your lover” and “how not to be a jerk at the end”, it all reads like a sad script on how to put down a long serving dog you still are attached to.

Too many feelings, very little logic. But I can’t tell him that.  We usually go through the seemingly ritualistic spectacle that is talking stage, dating etc as we build meaningful relationships. One would think, breakups shouldn’t be some choreographed affairs complete with “last dates”.  Why not keep it short, crisp and simple then move on to find peace and happiness elsewhere?  Does the pain, guilt and shame slap less? Is that what conscious uncoupling is all about? Or is it merely an attempt to nurse our own feelings while we do something considered cruel?

Does it fill the inevitable emptiness that hits you in the aftermath of a breakup?  A dear German friend of mine taught me something that’s helped me put relationships into perspective. It’s the German word “Lebensabschnittspartner”.  It simply means “life phase partner”. This is someone with whom you spend a significant part of your time, usually in a romantic relationship. You celebrate the time you spent with them, enjoy the moments and extract maximum value from them and when the time comes, you move on with gratitude.  The questions of “how, what, why” then recede into insignificance; the pain too. Gratitude takes the front seat.  I probably should give my friend this advice.

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